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| By Kevin Hagen |
You could say my story with my mental
illness began several years ago (maybe 15?), but I chose to ignore the signs
and figured it was just me. I was bullied in high school and that had an impact
on my self-esteem as I was growing up and even in my adult years. I was married
for 20 years and for most of those years I was told what a bad person I was and
that I was not a very good man. After hearing such things for that long, I
started to believe them! I have had tragedies in my life like most people, and
some that affected me for many years, like the death of my mother. I believed
that I was not worthy of being happy and that I was meant to just be that way
so I should live with it. I managed to struggle through life like that for most
of my adult life.
My job as a police officer added to the
issues I already had. I have seen some very terrible things in my career, and
some of them stick with me no matter how hard I tried to forget them. Because I
chose to ignore my problems, they just got bigger and bigger: the 800 pound
gorilla in the room, if you will. I managed to stuff my feelings and tell
myself, “Hey, this is what I deserve, so I just gotta suck it up.” I ended up
getting divorced, and I figured that was the answer to all of my problems.
Obviously it was not. I went from bad relationship to bad relationship, always
finding women that needed help; that way I could be the hero and fix things for
them. It never worked that way. I just ended up taking on more and more
problems, more and more debt, and finally I could not find happiness in
anything, but I figured that is what I deserved.
I felt I had successfully stuffed my
problems, but then all of the sudden, I was not ever happy. I lost interest in
most things I enjoy; I ignored my children who I only see every other weekend;
I pushed my friends away and just isolated myself in my home.
One night everything came to a head. The hopelessness
overwhelmed me. The nightmares came every night, so I was scared to go to sleep
some nights. All I could see in front of me was a black wall, and in my mind it
was all hopeless and I was lost.
Swimming in a sea of debt and
overwhelming sadness, thinking about all of the tragic things I had seen and
not being able to get rid of those pictures in my mind, I was convinced life
was over for me and I just needed to end my life. I could not focus on anything
but the pain of living with no hope, no joy, and no happiness. I hated
everything about what I had become and was convinced nothing would ever change,
so what was the point? I made a decision that night. I was going to end my life
or I was going to call for help. Right then and there I fell on the floor
crying, begging God to take this pain away, take away the blackness and
sadness. It was then I could picture my children and how devastated they would
be if I took my own life. I got up off the floor and made the call for help. I
spoke with Sean from Safe Call Now.
Safe Call Now is an organization that
helps police officers, first responders, firefighters and others who are dealing
with mental illness. Two days after I spoke with Sean, I was on a plane heading
for treatment. The thing that helped me get through that two days was that I
was receiving several calls a day from Sean and others who are part of that
organization. They helped me to stay focused on the help that was coming.
Once I got to treatment, I was terrified. Here I was, a man
from small town Minnesota, thrown into what seemed like a different world. The
minute I was picked up at the airport I was treated with respect and kindness.
After getting to intake, I started out
with a group of people I did not know. I was not there for chemical issues but
for depression and PTSD. Amazingly, I found that we all had so much in common.
To make a long story short, I went through the program and
made it the whole 30 days. The staff was amazing. The comfort I was given that
first week was also amazing.
I feel as though I have been given my
life back! I am happy again and feel so much like a great person. I have
learned that I am a good person, and I deserve to be treated as such. I can
look in the mirror now and l like the person who is looking back at me. I went
through an unbelievable transition in my life I am alive today to write this
story because I went to treatment. I will be forever grateful for my experience
and to once again be able to smile and enjoy what life has to offer. I know
that God has blessed me with so many wonderful gifts that I can see now. The
veil of depression and sadness has been lifted, and what I have found on the
other side is beautiful. I now have an appreciation for life. Sean told me to
hang in there and things would get better. I did not believe him at first, but
he was right.
I have a new appreciation for love and
life that has not existed in many years. I am thankful to wake up in the
morning and know I can greet one more day.
I am truly blessed to experience life now. I found my
smiles.
If
you are reading this and have not made that first step, DO IT!! What are you
waiting for? Make the call so you can get the help you need, and I promise you
that life on this side is so much brighter, and you can experience being happy
again. Don’t delay; do it now. You are worth it! Don’t let anybody tell you
otherwise. Don’t be afraid. Just call. You can do it. God loves you.
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