Addiction Killed this Cop...

My Dear Friend Terry Marvin

I received a phone call the other morning at 5:00 am advising me that my dear friend and 28-year veteran of law enforcement Terry Marvin had died of a heroin overdose (2016 repost).  Of course the cop in me kicked in and I went straight to denial and then I started making phone calls to confirm his death knowing all the while it was true because that’s how addiction works.  I’ve seen much negative press written about Terry’s death which is being used from my perception as political fodder to further the agendas of others. I wanted to tell you about Terry and what he meant to me.  

Those of you that know me know I’m a pretty blunt person and not politically correct because it’s not who I am.  That being said, let’s get it out on the table, cut through the crap and call it for what it is; no need to sugarcoat it because addiction when left untreated usually results in jails, institutions and death!!!

Terry, like myself, was not without fault.  Yes, he got into trouble while on the job. Yes, he got a DUI and there were probably other things that went on I have no idea about.  I know through my own addiction and dealings with other human beings that many of us have a lot of “baggage” in our closets we keep hidden.  Although it’s human nature, our secrets keep us sick.  Having said that, who the hell am I to judge his life because I too, am an addict and know I am only one step away from his fate. 

I met Terry when he was the director of operations for a treatment center that serves first responders as well as others.  At first I didn’t return his calls, but he was persistent.  I decided to make the trip to see him and see what he’s all about.  He met me at the airport and there he was in his Miami Dolphins jersey waiting to pick me up.  I had an immediate connection with him. We were both cops, we both caused a lot of pain for ourselves and others and we were now both committed to helping those that serve.

Supervising the Undercover Officer

Safe Call Now with Gayland & Charlie at the Undercover Conference

Over the last seven years I've had the honor to have an open invitation to speak at The International Association of Undercover Officers conferences nationwide.  Charlie Fuller (my "Bo") has been a mentor to me and adviser on how to help the undercover officers when life goes bad for them and they require treatment.  Imagine a job where you get paid to drink, lie, drive cool cars and basically do whatever you want?  Not a bad gig... until you come home to the real world and deal with life.

One thing I've learned while training undercover officers and placing them into treatment that to do well in the profession, you sometimes become the "lie".  Think about it?  In order to achieve the objective in whatever undercover role you adopt, you become an actor.  To stay alive you become adept at becoming a great role player.  If you get caught in a lie when undercover there is the potential that you may lose your life so you become an even better liar than those out there lying to you.  Getting confusing, yes it can be.  The healthy boundaries of life can start getting blurred and obliterated for the undercover.

Imagine if you will, being undercover in a role for a long period of time and all the things you despise about those that commit crimes and you start living in that world and order to be the best, you become them.  It happens far more often than you think.  Now do this for 10 or 15 years.  Once you become the role you play, your family doesn't recognize you anymore.  You are no longer the person you were.  Admiration and adulation from your bosses and even the bad guys becomes intoxicating and your negative behavior receives valued praise.  The "switch" begins.

 

I'm a Cop... Yes, I Had a Love Affair

By Safe Call Now

Yes, I have to admit it.  I had a torrid, sensual and illicit love affair.  It lasted for 23 years and I thought it would never end.  At the beginning it was so incredible, so romantic and so sensual and towards the end it was so hard to conceal and cover up with lies.  My love affair ended up destroying my marriage, my children, my career and my life. I will explain more later… 

So you’ve read this far, you must be interested… There are many studies out there that indicate that first responders have a much higher divorce rate than the general public.  I always have to ask myself why is this???  You truly are healthier than the general population when you are hired, you are vetted out to be so.  Somewhere along the line (usually the 7-10 year mark) studies and my experience tell me that there is the potential for us to start to lose our way.  As I travel the country I find it very interesting that there is so much help for the first responders and how to “love” them and how the family learns to adapt to their new jobs.  It just amazes me, why does the family system and dynamics have to change for the first responder?  Who made up that rule?  Talk about reinforcing dysfunction.

One definition for a love affair is “a romantic relationship or episode between lovers”…  Oh I had this incredible affair for so long and I thought it was wonderful.  It wasn’t with a woman, it was with my job and addiction (alcohol and pills).  She was a seductive mistress and I fell hard for her and the attention she gave me.  As I got more and more into my life as a “Cop” and detached from my family I attempted to fill the void of my inability to have healthy interpersonal relationships with those I supposedly loved.  I had great superficial relationships with those that I worked with and had their backs.  Actually looking back on it, they were all pretty fake relationships.  But the job and the drugs fed my ego, they loved me and they were always there for me.  So I thought...

All the studies were right I thought and just like they told me at the academy, you’re more likely than not to get a divorce.  It’s normal, they told me so.  Reflecting back on it, that’s the biggest piece of bullshit advice I’ve ever been given.  I still hear it at academies today in their family programs and I challenge anyone out there in the first responder community to engage me on this subject and make sense of why it has to be this way.