When I was 9... PTSD, Alcohol and my Father

By Janelle Cronk - Acadia Healthcare

When I was 9 -- I was a tomboy with a golden retriever.  Not a care in the world but the thrill of an adventure. I loved baseball, swimming and getting lost with my dog in the woods.

My father took care of me mostly.  He was, in my eyes, the greatest man in the universe.  Funny, charismatic, magnetic, handsome and lit up every room he walked in.  He loved being a dad. And I loved him more than anything on earth. …. (Except for Jesse my dog).

When I was 9-- I woke to a horrible sound. It was my father screaming in a cold sweat, crying and unable to stop shaking.  He would call them “night terrors”.  He would get real down and closed off for days after one of these episodes.

When I was 9 --My dad was always the athlete.  He was the best tennis player, golfer and Skier.  He owned a great restaurant and was the best cook in the world. Anything he put his heart into would shine.

When I was 9 -- I could hear the screaming.  Calling her horrible names. I had a friend sleepover when he and my stepmom were in a terrible fight.  Amy and I could hear them running around the house and hitting each other.  I was so sick that my friend had to see this part of my life. I called the police on him that night…He was choking her and it needed to stop.  I will never forget how my stomach ached with shame.

When I was 9 -- He’d take me to ball games so I could watch the Oakland A’s and the Bash Brothers.  We’d have stupid movie night every week and watch movies like Toxic Avenger.  He would also play me the greatest songs I ever heard.  I called him “The Duke”.  He literally was the duke of music to me.

When I was 9 -- He came into my room one afternoon and stared at me with tears in his eyes.  He told me he was going to leave this earth and he loved me and hugged me goodbye. I sat in pure fear for over 24 hours and wondered what I should do. 

”If I call and he’s OK… he will be so mad at me.” I thought.  “If I don’t call someone then I could have saved him!”

…I eventually called my mom and he came home.

When I was 9 -- My dad loved to be a father.  He would draw on my brown lunch sacks a cartoon character they would have little sayings like,” Eat your lunch or else!”  He would dress up for Halloween and surprise me during recess at school. He was literally THE COOLEST DAD EVER.

When I was 9 -- My father explained that he had Manic Depression and PTSD from the Vietnam War.  I didn’t understand what those terms really meant but I knew it was the reason why my dad had such a dark side to him.  I never thought this behavior was unforgivable.  I mean he was my dad and loved me more than anything….

He just couldn’t get the courage back then to ask for help…

Although my dad made several attempts to get sober and take care of himself, he was incapable of doing it alone.  My dad ended up passing away from a relapse on November 13^th 2014. 

I believe that my dad’s message for me is to help support patients that are struggling with trauma and addictions. 

Please: For the sake of your children who adore you more than you can possibly know.  For the 9 year olds that just don’t understand why.  If you are reading this and you know that its time to change, do it.

“The most courageous act a leader can do is ask for help”- Steve Gutzler

Janelle Cronk

(415) 572-9933

Janelle.cronk@gmail.com

First Responders, Professional Athletes and Fortune 500 clients

Behavioral Health Solutions, Sales Training, Strategy & Executive Health and Wellness

Janelle Cronk specializes in strategic accounts and partnerships for Acadia Healthcare. She is a strategic performance coach and has a unique ability of creating fast and critical solutions. Janelle has earned a certificate of honor from the US Capitol in saving many lives within the first responder population. Janelle partners with fortune 500 companies to help them review performance and sustainability with their employees in a new perspective.

Janelle’s personal motivation is to help collaborate and connect those who are providing superior care for those who have substance and mental health complexities to the right resources.

 Clients Include:  Boeing, Acadia Healthcare, Stanford, Xerox, Google, Apple, MyLife Recovery Centers, Safe Call Now, FBINAA, My Brain Solutions and Microsoft.