11 Years... My Grace is Gone...

My Grace is Gone...

11 years ago today my journey began... On this day I lost my grace, my freedom, my self-worth and my ability to be a productive member of society.  Reflecting back on it, hell I threw it away!  Being on the road gives me a lot of time to think about 23 years of alcoholism and addiction prior to this 11 year journey.

On this day 11 years ago I just wanted one more drink, just one more drug...  My grace was truly gone.  I remember turning myself into the Federal Building in downtown Seattle to the U.S. Federal Marshals Office to be handcuffed, leg shackled, finger printed and photographed.  The same things I used to do to those I arrested.  Now I was on the other side of the bars.

I was indicted by the Federal Government for "doctor shopping"...  No way, not me.  I'm a cop for God's sake.  I live by a code, I have ethics!!!  I'm a fighter, I win, I go home at the end of shift, surley everyone else in America was wrong and I was right.  After 23 years running hard and dictating life on my terms, my world came to an end or so I thought.  I thought I just needed a break from the world until I realized the world needed a break from me.  I'm grateful that the U.S. Courts decided that my addiction was going to end on March 17th, 2005.  The truth is, I don't think I would have ever stopped unless someone stepped in.

I plead guilty because I was guilty.  Time to stop being the victim, time to own my actions and behaviors and either a time to get busy living or get busy dying.  It was one of those days that was the worst day of my life yet at the same time it turned out to be the best day of my life.  I remember treatment, I remember court, I remember not even having enough money to put a donation into the AA basket.  I remember being proud of the first day I was able to put one dollar into the donation basket.  That was a big day for me.

This 11 year journey for me has been hard, it's been enjoyable, it's been devastating, it's been humbling and it's been fun all at the same time.  I guess some would say that this is life?  For me it's been a journey of enlightenment, self-awareness and learning to serve others...  I am grateful.

I just want to take this time to thank those that have come into my life and those I have met along the way.  You have all helped me to create a life that I can be proud of, I could have never accomplished this on my own.  I'm grateful for one more day of sobriety and today I don't need one more drink or one more drug...  I just need to serve others.  Maybe my grace isn't gone???