Rounding Third In One Shoe...

"Hi, my name is Julie and I'm an Alcoholic"

All I could hear was “swing for the fence Wimmer” and “knock it out of the park”, over and over and over. So I did. This was my mantra in life. Go hard. Go fast. Keep a strong work ethic, stay physically fit and always help others before you help yourself. Do good. Be good. Always. I had no boundaries in life and alcohol was no exception. Drink hard. Drink fast. And for God’s sake, don’t let anyone catch on. After all, I had a solid reputation to uphold. I can’t tell you how many times I have been referred to as strong and fearless. To me, this is called Guilt, Shame, Anxiety and Fear. 

Guilt and too many other emotions to list for not being there when my six-week old daughter died from SIDS. Shame when my Dad died at the age of 54 from alcoholism and so much shame and guilt turned inward and pushed to the bottom of my soul when my brother Jeff, passed away in August of 2013. He was instrumental in saving my life back in 2008, why couldn’t I have done the same?! We were literally hours away from intervening when my Mom called and delivered the shocking news. Jeff was gone. I have packed these emotions around on my shoulders for years just waiting for that next traumatic shoe to drop. 

Anxiety and Fear can manifest itself in many different ways. I get anxiety and fear when I don’t feel smart enough, pretty enough, young enough. I get it when I’ve agreed to do too much at work or if I don’t push myself to exercise every day. If I am judged, whether negatively or positively. If I have to meet new colleagues or friends of friends. This big dog creeps in and takes over my entire psyche with the blink of an eye. 

Like many of you, I suffer with chronic depression and have done so most of my adult life. It’s a cruel punishment. It’s the slow erosion of self. It is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the door. Somehow, I’ve managed to “cope” or “mask” my chronic depression through exercise and sports despite multiple relapses over the past nine years, but for scores of us, it can be debilitating. 

11 Years... My Grace is Gone...

My Grace is Gone...

11 years ago today my journey began... On this day I lost my grace, my freedom, my self-worth and my ability to be a productive member of society.  Reflecting back on it, hell I threw it away!  Being on the road gives me a lot of time to think about 23 years of alcoholism and addiction prior to this 11 year journey.

On this day 11 years ago I just wanted one more drink, just one more drug...  My grace was truly gone.  I remember turning myself into the Federal Building in downtown Seattle to the U.S. Federal Marshals Office to be handcuffed, leg shackled, finger printed and photographed.  The same things I used to do to those I arrested.  Now I was on the other side of the bars.

I was indicted by the Federal Government for "doctor shopping"...  No way, not me.  I'm a cop for God's sake.  I live by a code, I have ethics!!!  I'm a fighter, I win, I go home at the end of shift, surley everyone else in America was wrong and I was right.  After 23 years running hard and dictating life on my terms, my world came to an end or so I thought.  I thought I just needed a break from the world until I realized the world needed a break from me.  I'm grateful that the U.S. Courts decided that my addiction was going to end on March 17th, 2005.  The truth is, I don't think I would have ever stopped unless someone stepped in.

I plead guilty because I was guilty.  Time to stop being the victim, time to own my actions and behaviors and either a time to get busy living or get busy dying.  It was one of those days that was the worst day of my life yet at the same time it turned out to be the best day of my life.  I remember treatment, I remember court, I remember not even having enough money to put a donation into the AA basket.  I remember being proud of the first day I was able to put one dollar into the donation basket.  That was a big day for me.

This 11 year journey for me has been hard, it's been enjoyable, it's been devastating, it's been humbling and it's been fun all at the same time.  I guess some would say that this is life?  For me it's been a journey of enlightenment, self-awareness and learning to serve others...  I am grateful.

I just want to take this time to thank those that have come into my life and those I have met along the way.  You have all helped me to create a life that I can be proud of, I could have never accomplished this on my own.  I'm grateful for one more day of sobriety and today I don't need one more drink or one more drug...  I just need to serve others.  Maybe my grace isn't gone???

Is Orange Really the New Black???

By Safe Call Now Peer Advocate - Captain Tammy Norton

The public watches many new TV episodes these days of “Orange is the New Black” or “Prison Break” and they wonder, what is it really like to work in a prison setting? Sean prompted me to write a piece for the blog and intimidated I was, not because I didn’t have plenty to say, I have worked in prison settings for the past 21 years-I just didn’t know how to say it.

When you hire on as that new Correctional Officer you never know until you walk through those gates that lock you in-and THEM out-how you are going to feel about this new career choice you have made. I have seen many new recruits turn around and head straight back out the gate once they heard the sounds of the locking mechanisms that are prevalent in my work environment-slam shut. T.V. can’t describe that feeling you get when you are outnumbered 200 to 1 and all you carry is a set of keys, a radio, and if you are lucky, a small canister of pepper spray.

In our profession, we manage the worst personalities that society has deemed unacceptable to maintain in a free environment and we place them all together. We are expected to act in a professional and non-judgmental demeanor to deal with individuals who have committed atrocities against children, other law enforcement officers or members of their communities and maintain safe and secure yet humane environments for them to reside-protecting them and us from each other when necessary.