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| By Kevin Hagen |
You could say my story with my mental
illness began several years ago (maybe 15?), but I chose to ignore the signs
and figured it was just me. I was bullied in high school and that had an impact
on my self-esteem as I was growing up and even in my adult years. I was married
for 20 years and for most of those years I was told what a bad person I was and
that I was not a very good man. After hearing such things for that long, I
started to believe them! I have had tragedies in my life like most people, and
some that affected me for many years, like the death of my mother. I believed
that I was not worthy of being happy and that I was meant to just be that way
so I should live with it. I managed to struggle through life like that for most
of my adult life.
My job as a police officer added to the
issues I already had. I have seen some very terrible things in my career, and
some of them stick with me no matter how hard I tried to forget them. Because I
chose to ignore my problems, they just got bigger and bigger: the 800 pound
gorilla in the room, if you will. I managed to stuff my feelings and tell
myself, “Hey, this is what I deserve, so I just gotta suck it up.” I ended up
getting divorced, and I figured that was the answer to all of my problems.
Obviously it was not. I went from bad relationship to bad relationship, always
finding women that needed help; that way I could be the hero and fix things for
them. It never worked that way. I just ended up taking on more and more
problems, more and more debt, and finally I could not find happiness in
anything, but I figured that is what I deserved.
I felt I had successfully stuffed my
problems, but then all of the sudden, I was not ever happy. I lost interest in
most things I enjoy; I ignored my children who I only see every other weekend;
I pushed my friends away and just isolated myself in my home.
One night everything came to a head. The hopelessness
overwhelmed me. The nightmares came every night, so I was scared to go to sleep
some nights. All I could see in front of me was a black wall, and in my mind it
was all hopeless and I was lost.
