The Cop, Trauma and our Children...

By Safe Call Now's Deputy Shawn Thomas

We all have childhood trauma of some sort.  As parents we try to raise our children to the best of our abilities.  We never try to create trauma but unfortunately we do.  It can be caused by things we do in their presence like repeatedly argue, drink a little too much, or onetime events that scar their mind forever.  If you stop and think of early childhood memories, what are they?  Sure you might remember Disneyland but I guarantee you remember slamming your finger in the car door, the mean babysitter, or the time you did something bad and got the belt.  My point is we never want to cause trauma for our children, but by being a law enforcement officer it is inevitable.  

Due to the recent police shootings in Dallas and Baton Rouge I was posed a question by one of my friends.  She asked me how the boys are feeling since you and your husband are deputies.  Well, I answered it for my boys not even thinking about how they truly feel.  Being a kid of a deputy myself I should know, right?  Absolutely not!  We all handle life and circumstances differently.  I assumed that they are fine and realize that every day we put our uniforms on and go to work that not coming home is a risk a law enforcement officer takes, which made me think to myself: WTF!!!  What other profession does that to their children and why should they have to feel that way?  Sure my mission is to be safe and come home every night but I can tell you, so was the Dallas and Baton Rouge officers.  So when my kids watch the heart breaking funeral for our extended family in blue, you can’t tell me for one minute that doesn’t create anxiety and trauma in their lives.

So how do I fix it?  Quit?  No, that’s not an option at my age.  Tell them suck it up buttercup, it is what it is?  No, I do the best I know how and communicate with my children about why I choose to be a deputy.   There is nothing wrong with conversing with our children about why we choose to be an officer of the law and why we continue to do the duties we do.  From day one I have always told my boys when I step out that door to go to work, when I’m not with you I am always in your hearts.  So go home safely, hug them, love them and help them understand the thin blue line!

Cops and their Kids...

By Safe Call Now's Dr. Laura Brodie

In my work with cops, I’ve worked with their kids. Cops need to hear what their kids are complaining about.  “He treats me like a suspect.” “She doesn’t trust me.” “He is cold and unfeeling, telling me what I’m doing wrong and never what I’m doing right.” But in talking to cops, I hear over and over how much they love their kids and remain confused about why their children do not feel their love.  Being a cop is a job that bleeds over to one’s personal life. The same can be said with psychologists.  We psychologists place our own children on the couch of “processing” everything instead of allowing our children to simply be kids. Cops tend to respond to rule breaking in a matter of fact way, slap on the cuffs and haul them in. But what if this person is your child?

Parenting is not policing and approaching your own child as a felon will only result in hurt and anger. Law enforcement individuals desire their children to turn out as law abiding.  This can result in a rigidity that does not allow the child to have a healthy rebellion and disagreement that can result in a healthy adult. Your kid is going to be a kid.  Your kid is going to push rules, hit buttons and try to be adult too soon.  Your job is to navigate this without instilling fear or doubt in your child, allowing freedom and individualization while monitoring for disaster. It’s a hard job. But in all of it you have to realize, this is your child who needs guidance and not an individual who needs harshness.

On the job a cop cannot accept disagreement, but as a parent you have to accept rebellion and understand that this rebellion allows for healthy development. If you police a child like a felon you risk multiple dangers. You tell your child he/she is untrustworthy, that they cannot make good decision and you know better than everyone else. 

I'm a Cop and a Parent... Emotional Anorexia

By Safe Call Now's Dr. Laura Brodie

In my work with cops, I’ve worked with their kids. Cops need to hear what their kids are complaining about.  “He treats me like a suspect.” “She doesn’t trust me.” “He is cold and unfeeling, telling me what I’m doing wrong and never what I’m doing right.” But in talking to cops, I hear over and over how much they love their kids and remain confused about why their children do not feel their love.  Being a cop is a job that bleeds over to one’s personal life. The same can be said with psychologists.  We psychologists place our own children on the couch of “processing” everything instead of allowing our children to simply be kids. Cops tend to respond to rule breaking in a matter of fact way, slap on the cuffs and haul them in. But what if this person is your child?

Parenting is not policing and approaching your own child as a felon will only result in hurt and anger. Law enforcement individuals desire their children to turn out as law abiding.  This can result in a rigidity that does not allow the child to have a healthy rebellion and disagreement that can result in a healthy adult. Your kid is going to be a kid.  Your kid is going to push rules, hit buttons and try to be adult too soon.  Your job is to navigate this without instilling fear or doubt in your child, allowing freedom and individualization while monitoring for disaster. It’s a hard job. But in all of it you have to realize, this is your child who needs guidance and not an individual who needs harshness.

On the job a cop cannot accept disagreement, but as a parent you have to accept rebellion and understand that this rebellion allows for healthy development. If you police a child like a felon you risk multiple dangers. You tell your child he/she is untrustworthy, that they cannot make good decision and you know better than everyone else. 

#1stresponders... Guess What? We're Not Perfect

By Safe Call Now's Dr. Laura Brodie

As I think about how those in helping professions were raised, it was a message of doing your best and making sure you take care of others.  Often this was taking care of a vulnerable family member.  The person was a substance abuser, a depressed individual, an anxious parent or a parent who needed you as a child at a level you were ill equipped to handle. You became what we in the profession call a “parentified child”.  In talking to individuals who have taken on this role it is obvious they did not realize it.  They saw the path they traveled as having great parents who had no problems and they simply helped or listened. I think it is the same in First Responders. Who else runs into danger when everyone else is running away?

I get worried anytime I hear a client say, “My parents were great/perfect, no problems.” Let’s face it, none of us were raised perfectly and our indoctrinations of the past can control our reactions to the future. The child learns to blame him/herself early in life if there is any conflict. The result is a highly responsible individual that believes he/she is without a self.  He/she strives to become someone who helps humanity, but also is oblivious that they have little coping skills available because of the caretaker life they have lived.

Wait, you would think the parentified child adapted to adults at a young age so they should be ahead of the game. Nope. As a child there is a need for guidance, not caretaking. A child does not need to rescue yet they do. It is instinct. The child has to make sure his needs are met or he does not have a chance of thriving. The rescue the child does is to stay alive. 

The rescue idea of the “parentified child” although now in an adult body never leaves this concept. Losing people during a rescue, a hostage situation or a suicide scars deep because as a child you were supposed to save someone you cared about.  A task a child could never accomplish. As an adult, this drama is replayed in the death of the person you tried to save but could not or the person who did not love life as much as you. You are set up in a no won situation but your brain still looks for solutions many months or years after the event.