A Cop, PTSD, Suicide & Treatment...

By Kevin Hagen

You could say my story with my mental illness began several years ago (maybe 15?), but I chose to ignore the signs and figured it was just me. I was bullied in high school and that had an impact on my self-esteem as I was growing up and even in my adult years. I was married for 20 years and for most of those years I was told what a bad person I was and that I was not a very good man. After hearing such things for that long, I started to believe them! I have had tragedies in my life like most people, and some that affected me for many years, like the death of my mother. I believed that I was not worthy of being happy and that I was meant to just be that way so I should live with it. I managed to struggle through life like that for most of my adult life.

My job as a police officer added to the issues I already had. I have seen some very terrible things in my career, and some of them stick with me no matter how hard I tried to forget them. Because I chose to ignore my problems, they just got bigger and bigger: the 800 pound gorilla in the room, if you will. I managed to stuff my feelings and tell myself, “Hey, this is what I deserve, so I just gotta suck it up.” I ended up getting divorced, and I figured that was the answer to all of my problems. Obviously it was not. I went from bad relationship to bad relationship, always finding women that needed help; that way I could be the hero and fix things for them. It never worked that way. I just ended up taking on more and more problems, more and more debt, and finally I could not find happiness in anything, but I figured that is what I deserved.

I felt I had successfully stuffed my problems, but then all of the sudden, I was not ever happy. I lost interest in most things I enjoy; I ignored my children who I only see every other weekend; I pushed my friends away and just isolated myself in my home. 
One night everything came to a head. The hopelessness overwhelmed me. The nightmares came every night, so I was scared to go to sleep some nights. All I could see in front of me was a black wall, and in my mind it was all hopeless and I was lost.

The Psychologist & the #1stresponder... Hmmmmm

My Dear Friend & Forensic Police Psychologist - Dr. Laura Brodie

I always enjoy seeing my dear friend and co-presenter Forensic Police Psychologist Dr. Laura Brodie (I’ll talk about her later).  As many first responders know, being ordered to visit the psychologist is usually not a career enhancer.  First off they’re commonly sub-contracted by the department and the perception is that they may be biased for the department because that’s who’s paying the bill.  Right, wrong or indifferent the door is wide open to challenge this as the first responder knows that some kind of report is going back to their agency.

With that in mind, do you really think the first responder is going to reveal their deepest, darkest secrets that may jeopardize his/her employment and their ability to provide for their family?  Hence the double edged sword.  If I do reveal myself I could potentially be impacted in a negative manner with my employers.  If I don’t, I suffer inside.  Either way it’s a system set up to fail.  There are going to be a lot of police psychologist out there that are going to “rip” me over this post but I can only tell you about my experiences and those that are reported to me throughout the country by first responders and their experiences with fitness for duty evaluations.

I speak at many conferences around the nation and we address the departmental psychologist at great length.  The overall consensus from the first responders is that you’re not trusted, you’re arrogant and egotistical and the only job of the first responder is to “beat you” in all aspects of the session.  Let me explain further.